


Who I am

by Philomena85



Category: Alex Verus Series - Benedict Jacka
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Dark Alex, Gen, Mention of torture, Missing Scenes, Or Is he?, additional tags to be added later, alex is a Good Person, morally grey badass
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-07-28 04:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20057680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philomena85/pseuds/Philomena85
Summary: 'No one is born either a good or a bad person. There may be certain predispositions in our genetic code that define us, but as a matter of fact, in most cases our experiences determine our future path in life. The way we were brought up and how we interact with other people, whether we love or hate them, shape our character even more than we would like to admit sometimes.'Alex is sick of being considered a Dark mage just because he used to be apprenticed to one of them. But there is one thing that he is worried about - what if they were right? He starts recalling his past...





	1. Who am I?

No one is born either a good or a bad person. There may be certain predispositions in our genetic code that define us, but as a matter of fact, in most cases our experiences determine our future path in life. The way we were brought up and how we interact with other people, whether we love or hate them, shape our character even more than we would like to admit sometimes.

This being one of my deepest convictions, there's always one question coming to my mind: if we are so profoundly influenced by past events, what kind of person does this make _me_? Asking ten random people I crossed paths with, you might get just as many answers, varying from 'friend' or even 'lover' to 'cold-blooded murderer', covering everything in between.

Staring at my reflection in the mirror this morning, I saw nothing but a thirty-something man with pale skin, slightly too long black hair that started sprouting a touch of grey lately and a grave look on his face. If some stranger looked at me the way I did then, he wouldn't even have realized I was a mage but just some ordinary guy not worth a second look. So what if just, shall we say, two of the people I mentioned before were right? What if they were the only ones who recognised my true self? What if these two people weren't the ones who referred to me as 'kind', but as 'ruthless' or 'cruel'? What if they were right?

Who am I? _What_ am I? And who will be the one to judge?


	2. Richard

I was 17 years old when I met Richard Drakh. I used to be a good student, quite intelligent and well-read, but I didn't have friends. A few years ago I had noticed for the first time that I was able to foresee the future, though I didn't truly understand how it worked. I didn't dare telling either of my parents, of course, who were busy getting divorced back then so they couldn't spare the time to care for their only son properly – a fact that may have saved me from being taken to a psychiatrist. Other kids didn't like me, they avoided me whenever they could – which was fine for me. All I wanted was to be left alone. Some of them mocked me. I hated them and wanted to defend myself, but I knew I wouldn't stand a chance fighting them off. It all changed when Richard showed up at the schoolyard, asking me what it was I _really_ wanted. He offered me power, knowledge, and a place to stay, far away from my parents. Of course I accepted, obedience to him and the will to gain power being the only traits he requested if I wanted to become his apprentice, which was fine for me – I grew up doing what other people wanted me to do, but this was the first time someone made an offer like this at eye level.

Being Richard's apprentice changed my life to the extreme, which often meant I had to learn things the hard way. He introduced me and the other apprentices to his associates and fellow Dark mages, taught us how to use and control our magic and provided us with everything we needed to do so. Every evening we would meet him in the library to receive our lessons. I think all of us had some sort of idea of what it meant to be apprenticed to a Dark mage and so we weren't particularly surprised when he told us about what is known as the 'True Path' – if you want something, you'll just take it, no matter what. If you aren't able to do so, then it's your own fault because you aren't strong enough. It's all about power – you lack it, you lose it. Weakness will not be tolerated. Ever.

We were given tasks we had to carry out and other duties to fulfil but apart from that, we were allowed to spent our free time doing whatever we wanted. My bedroom was larger than the entire flat I had shared with my mother and I enjoyed living in such a noble mansion with fireplaces in every room, vast bookshelves and comfortable armchairs – that is, until I found out about the torture chamber. Being brought there for the first time scared the hell out of me, coming from a family that condemned any form of violence. More than once Richard punished me for what he referred to as disobedience, but if anything it made me stronger, understanding what following the True Path really meant. Looking back, I'm sure this was the main reason he tortured me – if I wasn't able to defend myself, I didn't deserve better. Just another lesson to be learned.

All this time I never really thought of leaving and quit being Richard's apprentice; there was still so much to learn and most of the time I got along with him pretty well. I hated Tobruk, though. He was like one of those bullies in school, mocking me, calling me a fag because I preferred studying with Rachel and Shireen over practising with him and playing tricks on me whenever he got the chance. Thinking about it, I'm convinced that Richard had planned to play us off against each other right from the start; so of course Tobruk had to be the one putting me down and locking me up when I refused to hand Catherine Traviss over to Richard. Although I didn't know why he wanted her, I still trusted him somehow – as far as I knew, he never lied to me and I was sure there must have been a reason why we were told to bring her to the mansion. He had been protecting me all the time, being somewhat of a surrogate father to me. When he took that protection away, imprisoning me with nobody to talk to except for Tobruk, who had begun to torment me ever so often while I was at my most vulnerable, I was devastated.

Although I always considered myself to be a bit of an introvert, it didn't take me more than a few weeks to desperately long for any kind of human interaction; being enclosed in a small room without daylight 24/7 will do this to you sooner or later. I started practising divination to pass the time and prevent myself from going insane. By now, I understand that it was the perfect environment to improve my skills. I tried path-walking a few times, realising before long that there was no way to get out of my cell alive. I didn't give up hope, though.

Richard paid a visit to me just once, right after Tobruk had left, watching me while I lay on the bed, writhing in pain. For a few minutes he merely leant on the wall, looking down on me while I tried to get up, remembering only too well what he taught us about weakness. The conversation we had should have been the last one for many years and I still recall every single word.

_'Richard...'_

_'Correct address, please, Alexander. Do you understand why you are here?'_

_'Because I disobeyed you, Master.'_

_He shook his head, seeming deeply disappointed._

_'You never had the potential to become my Chosen. I gave you _ one  _chance – you didn't take it. Because you are weak. You're pathetic. You never understood what being a Dark mage meant. Teaching you was a waste of time.'_

_He observed me very closely, searching for the final proof that he was right before he finished his little speech, his voice cold and cruel._

_'You're unworthy of being my apprentice. Give me one reason why I shouldn't just starve you to death.'_

_I was desperate, but determined to survive – this was the last chance I'd ever get and I was willing to take it. I raised my head, straightening, meeting his gaze. _

_'Because you need me.'_

_He didn't give away the slightest bit of emotion while he continued to look at me with those inscrutable eyes, addressing me one last time._

_'Do I?'_

He left and locked the door; again I was alone and surrounded by darkness, Richard's distant footsteps on the stone floor being the only sound that reached my ears. Even using my divination, there was no way to tell if what I said had made him change his mind or if he was going to leave me to die in this cell. For the first time in years I cried.

After what must have been a few months, Tobruk came up with his new favourite pastime: playing cat and mouse, which meant that he would set me loose, give me an in-depth description of what he'd do to me when he caught me, grant me a head-start and chase me through the basement. He always caught me, but it took him longer each time due to my improved precognition skills. I dreaded his little game and the pain that awaited me once he got hold of me, but in fact it was the best preparation I could have when I met him for the last time about a year later.

One day Richard ordered Tobruk, Rachel and Shireen to find out something about a certain Light mage who got into his way, and they took me on a trip because they needed my help to get to her. Rachel kept an eye on me all the time while Tobruk threatened to kill me instantly if I refused to do as I was told. They never gated when they had me around and the last few times they always made sure I wasn't running away by cuffing me or forcing me to wear one of the death bracelets Richard occasionally used. This time they didn't. Going by car, I was sitting in the back seat between the girls while Tobruk was driving. None of them talked to me unless they needed information; otherwise, they completely ignored me. When we reached our destination, Richard was called to deal with the Light mage. Again, no one cared about me and I finally managed to escape. I was baffled about how easy it was to finally get away, but I didn't have time to think about it. I needed to run as fast as I could – if Richard ever got hold of me, he wouldn't spare my life again.


	3. Arachne. Tobruk

Having escaped to London, I went to the Light Council straight away, seeking their advice. They refused to listen to me, let alone help me. A Dark apprentice who fled from his master and was now afraid he might be taking revenge? Why should they care? You make a decision, you have to live with the consequences. Every single mage I knew turned me away, leaving me desperate and helpless. I had nowhere to go, so I walked to Hampstead Heath, looking for a place to spend the night, too terrified to stay anywhere near the common meeting places of London mages. Exhausted from running away for days on end, I fell asleep beneath an old oak tree growing on the bank of a dried-up stream.

I jolted awake by the touch of something warm and hairy on my shoulder, finding myself face-to-face with a giant spider. Paralysed with terror, I passed out. When I woke up again I was lying on a comfortable sofa, a soft blanket covering my body. Poking around, I found myself in some kind of cavern, equipped with comfortable looking furniture and huge piles of cloth in colours so bright they seemed to glow in the dim light. A gentle voice spoke to me from somewhere further away, introducing herself as Arachne. She saved my life that night. I learned that she was a magical creature who made a living as a dressmaker - the best one across Great Britain, I'd like to add. She is the one who provided me with my ceremonial robes ever since. Besides, she became one of my best friends almost immediately after we met. She took me in and gave me a place to rest and the time I needed to recover. I didn't talk much in the beginning, still traumatized by the things I went through, but Arachne being Arachne, she understood and didn't push me, letting me heal at my own pace.

At last, I found the courage to open up to her and tell her what happened to me, even if it meant admitting that I used to be a Dark apprentice until recently. Surprisingly and despite having had unpleasant encounters with Dark mages herself, she still wanted to be my friend and didn't really seem to care about what I had done, telling me I had to look forward instead of being stuck in the past. And so I did. First of all, I wanted to see London again, the place where I was born, the city I loved more than anything else. It required a great deal of strength, but one night I decided to leave Arachne's lair for a stroll around the Heath, looking at the stars and eagerly sucking up the cool night air. I walked south until I reached Primrose Hill and sat down for a while, looking down on the shimmering city lights and realising how much I had missed being here. When the sun came up, I made my way back to the cave, re-entering my hideout with a heavy heart. I appreciated what Arachne had done for me, but after spending the night outside, I didn't want to go back underground, since I was still struggling with anxiety when it came to being stuck in enclosed spaces. She had assured me more than once that I was welcome to stay as long as I needed a place to hide – with emphasis on the word 'needed'. We both knew that I couldn't stay forever, but I was still scared of meeting any other members of the magical society, both Dark mages and those associated with the Light Council.

Again, Arachne's foresight took me by surprise. When I told her about my yearning, she handed a silvery piece of cloth to me.

'This is a mist cloak. If you wear it, it allows you to blend in with your environment and shields you from magical detection. It might help you to find your way back to normalcy.'

I was touched by her kindness; one day, I would make up for this.

_*_

Since I'd grown accustomed to the mist cloak, I went out more often, although she had made it clear to me that I shouldn't be wearing it all the time. I used to store it in a bag, so I could simply put it on when needed. One day, I found the courage to seek someone out whom I haven't seen for years – my father. I walked all the way to Marylebone; when his house came into view, I slowed my pace, taking a look around, when suddenly something hit my mind like a physical strike – my precognition screamed DANGER and I came to a halt, checking the futures for potential threats.

'Hello Alex.'

I froze. Emerging from behind a hedge was Tobruk, walking towards me, an evil smile on his lips.

'Visiting your dad?'

A strong sensation of future violence flooded my mind. My first impulse was to run away as fast as I could – but there was something else. Something dark, growing stronger with every second I stared at him. Infinite rage. My heart was hammering in my chest and I had to fight down the urge to kill that bastard with my bare hands.

'Leave me alone', I hissed through gritted teeth, fists clenched, my whole body tense.

'You'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, I've got news for you – I'm going to take you back to Richard and I'm already looking forward to see what he's going to do to you once we get there. You caused us quite some trouble when you ran away but I promise you I'll make sure this never happens again.'

Hearing this, I made my decision, the fear outweighing the hatred I had felt just a split second ago. I turned around and ran, faster than ever before, dodging whatever came into my way, until I reached the entrance of Marylebone tube station. The northbound train to Queen's Park was due to depart in exactly 40 seconds, so I jumped over the entrance barrier, ignoring the Transport for London guy who shouted and came running after me and made it down the escalators as if the devil himself was coming after me – which, after all, wasn't even an exaggeration. I squeezed through the train doors just in time to see Tobruk and the TfL guy being left behind at the platform.

I was still shaking when I told Arachne about what happened half an hour later. She remained silent for a moment, then gave me a thoughtful look from her eight eyes and asked me what I intended to do now. Biting my lip, I avoided her gaze, slightly changing the subject.

'What if he finds me, Arachne?'

'You already know what will happen if he does, don't you?'

I swallowed, running my hands through my hair.

'Yes, I do.'

'You are scared. And I'm pretty sure you should be.'

'He knows where my father lives.'

'In this case, you might want to make a swift decision.'

I took a deep breath, rising from the sofa.

'I'm not going back to Richard. I'd rather die.'

'That's unnecessary. You just have to stop them from hunting you down.'

'You know there's only one way to stop them.'

'Indeed.'

I closed my eyes for a brief moment, breathing slowly, and started thinking about the consequences of my plan. Arachne was right. There was only one thing I could do. I fetched my mist cloak and struck off.

*

I sent a text to Tobruk, telling him I had a message for Richard and wanted to meet him. The whole time I'd been convinced he wouldn't show up, but just as the sun started to set over the roof of the derelict residential block, he crossed the former car park, heading for the boarded-up door. I recognised the red flash of fire magic and seconds later the plywood panel cracked into pieces. He went straight into the basement where I had asked him to meet me. Could he really be this stupid...? Wrapped up in my mist coat, I followed him down the stairs, forcing back the memories of him playing cat and mouse with me in the mansion. This time, I was going to be the cat. Quietly I drew a walkie-talkie from my pocket, waiting for Tobruk to enter the room where I had hidden its counterpart. Being out of direct earshot, I started talking into the device.

'Hello Tobruk. As I told you, I've got a message for Richard, so listen closely.'

Using my powers, I saw him turning around, looking for me, taken by surprise. I waited until he started searching the room and quickly crept up on him. When he finally found the device hidden on a dusty shelf between some bottling jars, I was right behind him, a heavy pipe wrench in my hands.

'Go to hell.'

*

'….and you're sure he isn't just unconscious?'

Arachne had been listening to me for half an hour without asking questions, letting me tell her how I had lured Tobruk into the trap I made up.

'I burned him.'

'You – excuse me?'

'There was an old diesel generator in the room. I set it on fire while he was still lying on the floor.'

Arachne nodded silently, not commenting on what I did, but looking at her evoked a strong feeling of guilt within me.

_It had felt so good only a few hours ago; not being the one who got beaten up any longer, no more fear, no more pain, only revenge for everything Tobruk had done to me. The cracking sound as the pipe wrench came down on his head, the blood accumulating on the floor and finally the flames. I just stood there, watching while they consumed his clothes and his flesh, leaving nothing but ashes. I took a deep breath; I was free at last._

But there had been no need to set the building on fire. I had been almost certain that he was dead after I hit him. Considering this now, a thought came to my mind, shaking me to the core, making me feel as if I was about to throw up. He _had _been dead, hadn't he? I didn't burn him alive – or did I? Horrified, I turned to face Arachne, realising that I was well on the way to become like my former master.

'I'm just like Richard - I'm a monster...'

Carefully, she padded my head.

'You did what you had to do, you had no choice if you wanted to save your own life.'

'I _enjoyed_ it, Arachne! I wanted him to suffer the way _he _made _me _suffer all the time! If Rachel and Shireen had been there, I would've killed them, too – all the time they knew what Tobruk did to me but they didn't help me, _no-one_ helped me! They didn't talk to me even _once_, they didn't care if I was still alive.'

'You're upset right now – this will pass. Don't do anything stupid. Stay away from Richard as far as you possibly can as long as you haven't learned how to control your emotions. I'll help you – on condition that you promise me you'll avoid any future encounters with your master or your fellow apprentices.'

'Don't call him my master...'

'Well, Alex, as a matter of fact, that's what he still is. You may face difficulties because of this when you re-enter magical society, but I recommend you to stand your ground. You don't have to become like him. The choice is yours to make - don't spoil it.'

No, I certainly wouldn't do that.


	4. My father

A few days later I was lying on one the sofas, dozing lazily. I didn't notice that the soft clicking sound from the other side of the room had stopped until I saw Arachne standing next to me.

'You know you don't have to become a Dark mage if you don't want to, right?'

Taken aback, I looked up at her.

'What choice do I have, then? I've been apprenticed to Richard, none of the Light mages will take me – they won't even listen to me... _You _told me...'

'One of them is willing to teach you.'

I leapt up, staring at Arachne.

'Who?'

'Helikaon.'

'Never heard of him.'

'He's a diviner, too. He could teach you everything you need to know, though you wouldn't be apprenticed to him, for reasons known.'

The fact that Richard was still considered my master sent shivers down my spine once again. The Council was well aware of all the things he'd done to me, but they still acted as if I would return to him any minute now.

'He lives in the South Downs, but you'll have to go there by train – he's really suspicious and has taken great efforts to ensure no-one can gate anywhere near his house. Apart from that, there's only a handful of people who actually know exactly where he lives.'

'You being one of them.'

'Yes.'

'So, how will I find him if I don't know where to go?'

'You'll take the train to Brighton, he'll be picking you up at the station. Two diviners should be able to recognise each other.'

She gave me what looked like the spider equivalent of a grin and started sewing again; looking at her, I knew just how pleased she was.

Still, there was one thing left; something I wanted to do before I headed to Brighton.

'When does Helikaon expect me to come over?'

'As soon as possible. He thinks you shouldn't take the risk of another attack. Is there a reason you're asking?'

'I... well...'

'What is it, Alex?'

'I thought about visiting my father. I haven't seen him for years – and heaven knows if I'll ever see him again.'

'Yes, I think this might be a good idea. Helikaon will predict your time of arrival either way. Why don't you go see your father right now?'

I got up, walking around until I came to a halt in front of the mirror. Among other things, Arachne had provided me with new clothes, since everything I owned was left at Richard's mansion, but staring at my reflection I noticed for the first time how much I had changed. I had always been thin, but after being imprisoned for almost a year, I looked tired and emaciated, my hair seemed dull and my skin ashen. What would he think of me if he saw me like this? Would he draw the right conclusions, the way he always had in the past?

'Don't worry, he's still your father and he loves you, no matter what happened,' Arachne tried to assure me, correctly interpreting what worried me.

'You don't know him...'

'I know _you _and because of that I'm sure he can't be such a bad person.'

'Which is exactly where the problem lies.'

'I'm sorry?'

'_I _am the bad person. When he finds out what I did, he'll be really upset.'

'Don't tell him, then.'

'He'll ask me what I did over the last years.'

'Does he know about your abilities?'

I laughed at the mere thought of it.

'God, no! He has no idea. When my parents divorced, my mum got custody and moved to South London with me; my dad didn't visit me very often, he said he couldn't be bothered to take the time driving to the other side of London since he had a job to do.'

'So?'

'So - what?'

'Could you stop being so indecisive?'

We looked at each other for a moment until Arachne let out a soft laugh; I joined in immediately. She was right. As always.

*

'Hi, Dad.'

He had passed without noticing me, his briefcase tucked under his arm, striding out of the auditorium and towards his office. At the sound of my voice he stopped and turned around to look at me, frowning.

'Alex?'

'Long time no see.'

I tried to sound casual, but failed – as always. He walked up to me, taking off his glasses as if to make sure that it really was me and eyed me up and down.

'What happened to you?'

He was never someone to beat about the bush but got to the point quickly. Some students passed by, staring at us curiously. I really didn't want them to overhear our conversation.

'Could we talk somewhere else?'

'Sure. Do you like some tea?'

'That would be nice.'

We went off to a café at Russell Square and sat down in a quiet corner.

'So...you look different from when I saw you last time. Is there anything you want to tell me?'

Embarrassed, I avoided his gaze, sipping my tea; I simply couldn't think of a way to tell him the truth about my divination. I wanted to see him so badly and now I couldn't even talk to him! He had always been persistent and so he kept on questioning me.

'I talked to your mother recently. She told me you haven't been in contact for almost two years, she said you moved out to start some sort of apprenticeship. Is that true?'

'Well...yeah, sort of.'

'Why don't you tell me about it, then?'

'Because...uhm...it didn't work out the way I thought it would.'

He continued to look at me expectantly until I hesitantly started to talk about my time as Richard's apprentice. I left out the magic parts, but in the end I confessed to having killed Tobruk. My father stared at me, horrified and speechless. He needed a moment to digest what I had told him, sipping on his tea the way I did before, not able to look me in the eyes. When he finally spoke to me, his voice had lowered to a whisper.

'How could you kill an innocent man?'

'He was everything but innocent!', I stated, 'He tortured me! He would've killed me if Richard hadn't forbidden him to do so!'

My father mumbled something under his breath, apparently convinced I wouldn't understand it; but I did.

_My only son is a murderer._

I got up and glanced at him for what would be the last time in many years, crestfallen, but too tired to continue the discussion.

'I'm sorry to be such a disappointment.'


	5. Helikaon

Two days later, I left Brighton Station, heading down Queen's Road towards a pub called The Hope & Ruin. Quite appropriate, considering my current situation. Sitting at the bar was a fair haired man who seemed to be in his fifties. He rose to meet me the very moment I entered the room.

'Hello, my boy. Since you're not hungry anyway, we might as well get started right now. You may lead the way to my car, if you please.'

Being confronted with a bunch of people in the pub and on the street outside, it was not so easy a task, but eventually I made my way to a red Vauxhall Omega which definitely had seen better days. I sat down in the passenger seat and watched him while he steered the car out of the city and through the beautiful countryside. We didn't talk at all, but it didn't feel anything but comfortable.

Helikaon left his car on a makeshift parking space at the end of the gravel road and we walked along a small path towards a single-storey building on top of a hill. Looking around, I saw nothing but the rough landscape of the South Downs, grass and rocks and a flock of sheep in the distance. The air tasted salty although I couldn't catch sight of the sea from this place. The wilderness appealed to me, as did the silence up here. He opened the front door and told me to leave the few things I brought with me in the hallway for the moment.

'Since you're going to stay here for some time, I assume you'll help doing the chores.'

'Of course.'

'Good. I know Dark mages usually have servants for ordinary tasks like cooking or cleaning the house, but...'

'I'm not a Dark mage!'

'Never said you were.'

'Well, strictly speaking, you did! You said “Dark mages usually have servants for cooking”, indicating that I wasn't used to cooking for myself because I had other people doing it for me.'

He waved my protest aside, grinning slightly.

'No need to be touchy, my boy. Whilst I'm sure Drakh had servants who prepared your meals, too.'

I glared at him, but he didn't seem to care and simply handed a knife and onions over to me.

'Still hope someone taught you how to cook, though.'

'Well...uhm...'

'God help me. Try not to cut off your fingers then, getting a healer around here is just tedious.'

'I'll take care.'

'You better do.'

After working in silence for a while, I decided to start a conversation, if only to find out some things about the man I was determined to live with in the foreseeable future.

'How am I expected to address you?'

He snorted.

'You're a diviner, go and find out! And stop talking so politely. I'm your teacher, not the fucking Queen of England.'

I scanned through the futures quickly, rejecting common titles like “Sir” or “Mage Helikaon” and smiled broadly when I finally figured it out. I already liked his sense of humour and the way he saw himself.

I had never been good at cooking, but cutting vegetables alongside this man in the middle of nowhere was surprisingly relaxing. When he put a bowl filled with peas onto the kitchen table, I snatched a few and started throwing them across the room at a small glass vase on the window sill. Not a single one missed their aim. Helikaon stared at me, open-mouthed.

'Where did you learn _that_?'

'In a cell in my former master's mansion.'

'Just curious - what did you use for practise back then?'

'Spoons, breadcrumbs, whatever I got hold of – wasn't much, but served its purpose.'

He nodded approvingly.

'If you ever get tired of being a diviner, playing darts might be the next big thing for you.'

'My thoughts exactly,' I grinned.

When we finished dinner, he showed me around his home.

'I've got a house in London, too. It's much more spacious than this one, but for now, I want you to stay away from the other mages. We need to get control over your emotions before you can be confronted with them again. This is why we're staying here. - Oh, don't look at me that way, boy. I'm not going to lock you up the way Drakh did, you can leave whenever you want. I just want you to stay away from trouble.'

He padded my shoulder and lead me to what must have been his study. There was a desk beneath one of the two windows with a vast bookshelf next to it and a small bed alongside the wall; apart from that, the room was empty. I immediately liked it.

'Make yourself comfortable. I'm getting up early and so will you. See you tomorrow then, Alex.'

'Good night – oh Captain, my Captain!'

He smiled approvingly and left. I started to undress and slid under the duvet, looking around the room one last time before I closed my eyes. Helikaon really wasn't that talkative, but I was sure we'd get along well; things were looking up this time. Well, at least I thought so.

*

I woke up screaming in the middle of the night, finding Helikaon standing beneath the bed, seizing my arm.

'Come on, boy, on your feet.'

Still panting, I got up and let him lead me to the open window, stumbling over the wooden floor on bare feet.

'Breathe,' he ordered.

Instead of calming down, I started to hyperventilate. My knees went weak. Just when I thought I'd faint, a wooden chair was pushed underneath me and I collapsed on top of the seat with a groan, covering my face with both hands. Again, I was told to breathe calmly and this time I did. It took me a few minutes to recover. Accepting the glass of water Helikaon passed me, I stared at the millions of stars in the sky, feeling the cold night air on my sweat-covered face.

'This is why I told you you'll have to shut away your emotions first before I can start teaching you. Those nightmares will destroy you one day if you don't get rid of them.'

'I should've killed them all,' I answered in a choked voice, 'Maybe that's what I need to do – go back and burn down the house while they're sleeping. It's all their fault, I wouldn't be like this if they didn't...'

Helikaon slapped me in the face. Hard. Completely stunned, I looked up at him.

'Sorry, but you wouldn't have shut up otherwise.'

'That hurt!' I complained like a 4-year-old, rubbing my cheek.

'I hope so, because I want you to stop thinking about taking revenge _right now_. You will not go near Richard Drakh or anyone related to him. You will not contact him or his other apprentices and you will not make up any plans to kill them. Not now or at any time in the future. Is that understood? Alex?'

'Yes...,' I mumbled, avoiding his piercing gaze.

'I know you're scared. And I completely understand why you want to hurt them. But doing that, you'll only hurt yourself. In fact, you wouldn't stand the slightest chance against a Dark mage like Drakh. You know that, don't you?'

I nodded reluctantly. I knew he was right, I really did. But there was so much rage burning in my heart, so much fear...how could I ever forget what they did to me? How could I let them get away with it?

'Back to bed,' Helikaon ordered.

I did as I was told, but I couldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night.

*

The next morning I found Helikaon in the backyard, feeding a pegasus. Amazed, I walked over to them.

'Alex, this is Thermopylae. Thermopylae, meet Alex, my student.'

The winged horse drew near and poked his head against my shoulder.

'Hi, Thermopylae,' I greeted him, running my fingers through his mane, which he seemed to like, and looked at him closely. He was pure white except for his nose and hooves – a majestic creature.

'You like animals?'

'Sure.'

'Consider yourself responsible for his well-being then. And make sure he doesn't go near the beehives over there, he tries to steal some honey from time to time and I don't want him to get stung again.'

'I'll keep an eye on him.'

'Fine. Go inside and get yourself some food, we've got loads of work to get done.'

Which turned out to be a massive understatement.

After having breakfast, he took me to a river near his house and told me to sit down by the shore.

'Are you familiar with what's called path-walking?'

'A bit. I read about it a lot and tried it a few times, mainly while I was imprisoned, but -'

'That's not nearly enough. You'll learn to do this properly. Close your eyes. You remember what I told you last night about taking revenge on Drakh?'

'That I should forget about it.'

'Now I want you to do the exact opposite. I want you to go back to Drakh's mansion. Path-walking. I want you to confront him. To confront the other apprentices. I want you to do exactly what you told me last night you'd do if you met them again.'

'But – why?'

'You'll see when you get there. Don't waste your time talking. Come on, close your eyes. Now concentrate. Shut out every other thought that comes to your mind.'

I was nervous like never before and I needed several attempts until I finally managed to concentrate on Richard. I saw myself walking up to his mansion. I sneaked in – and ran into one of the guards, who dragged me into Richard's study. He looked up from his desk, smiled and – I lost connection.

'Again,' Helikaon ordered.

I tried again. And again. Every time I tried, I lost it as soon as other people were involved. And every time Helikaon ordered me to make another attempt. I got tired, but I did as I was told. Just once I managed to pull through until I met Rachel – we faced each other in the hall, stared at each other, I opened my mouth – and saw myself being hit and disintegrated by her water magic.

I flinched and stared at Helikaon, terrified.

'Never seen yourself die before, did you?'

I shook my head and stretched my legs, starting to get up, but he put his hands on my shoulders, making me sit down once again.

'You're not finished yet.'

I studied his face, disbelieving, unable to speak.

'You said you wanted to go back to kill Drakh, but you didn't even manage to confront him. Try again.'

He made me walk through Richard's mansion over and over again, trying different paths, all of them leading me to his study where he sat behind his desk as if he was waiting for me. He never spoke a single word, but whatever I did, there was always something that resulted in me being imprisoned, tortured, crippled or killed. After what seemed to be the hundredth time, I looked up pleadingly.

'Please – I've had enough. Don't make me do this again.'

Helikaon sighed and sat down beside me, eyeing me with a sceptical look.

'You understand why I had you doing this, don't you?'

'Yes.'

'And do you still want to go back to kill them? Take revenge? Do you feel like you'd stand a chance against them?'

'No.'

'So?'

'I don't want to go back. Ever.'

'How do you feel now? Be honest. Do you still seek revenge?'

I couldn't answer his question. In fact, I did – but I also knew that any attempt would be pointless. What I saw scared me more than I thought was possible and would certainly add to my nightmares.

'I don't know what to do,' I whispered. 'Will you help me?'

Helikaon nodded and gave me a sign to get up and follow him inside the house. While he put the kettle on, he looked at me with an expression on his face that showed nothing but gentleness.

'I'll teach you how to conquer your fear. I can't promise that you'll never have nightmares again, but at least I can show you something to calm yourself when they haunt you again. Fear can be useful, but you should never let it rule your life.'

'I think that has already happened.'

When I reached for the teacup, I was still shaking.

'This is exactly why I wanted you to come to this place instead of staying in London. You need to cut the ties that connect you to your past. You must learn to leave everything you have and everyone you care for behind within ten seconds, knowing you'll never see them again.'

Thinking of my parents, I swallowed hard.

'I assume you don't have family or friends, then?'

'Course not.'

'Aren't you...lonely?'

'Rather be lonely than dead.'

I didn't comment on this, not sharing his opinion but not willing to oppose him either.

'So...,' I asked, sipping my tea, 'What can I do now?'

'Right now? Hide yourself from the rest of the world until they forget you even exist. Practise divination until you're able to avoid any future threats. Meditate.'

I looked at him curiously; this was not what I had expected.

'By doing this, you'll gain clarity of mind. This is the most important thing to learn if you ever want to succeed in what you're doing. And trust me – you'll also sleep better once you've learned to lock away those memories. Which suits me quite well, too, since I don't want to get up every night to stand beside your bed and hold your hand because you've had another nightmare.'

'I'm sorry...,' I mumbled, ashamed because he had seen me in this state of weakness.

But he only smiled.

'You're all right, Alex. If you promise me to do your best, I'll teach you everything you need to know. Just don't get into trouble.'

'You said that already,' I reminded him with a grin.

'And I'm dead serious about that one. Don't. Get. Into. Trouble!'

'I promise.'

And I kept my promise.


	6. Luna. Abithriax

Nine years later, I had returned to London, now being the proud owner of a shop in an inconspicuous side street in Camden Town, called the Arcana Emporium – this being nothing more than a rather stylish way to say 'magic shop'. The flat I lived in was located right above the shop, granting me somewhat of a quiet life without having to leave the city I loved once again. I had spent the time since I escaped Richard trying to stay under the radar, living with Helikaon for a few years and travelling the world until last summer. Using my divination, I had managed to earn enough money to make a living and, rather accidentally, I got my shop. Most people took me for a weirdo who actually thought that magic was real – I never made an effort to correct them. Generally speaking, everything seemed to work out well.

One rainy day in autumn I was just about to head for the entrance to switch the sign from OPEN to CLOSED although it was only 6 pm, when my precognition showed me that in about 90 seconds the doorbell would ring and announce the arrival of another customer. Glancing through the window next to the door, I saw a girl standing in front of my shop, looking at the display. She was about 20 years old, with curly light-brown hair and seemed a little bit timid, but finally decided to enter. I stayed behind the counter, greeting her and offering my help since she appeared to feel lost. Even without taking a closer look, I knew that the girl wasn't like the majority of my other customers. She always made sure to stay at arm's length from me, eyeing me suspiciously as if afraid I might get to close. I had always been curious, so I took a look at the future to gain more information about her, checking what would happen if I asked her some questions concerning who she was and why she came to my shop. Surprisingly, she answered them straight away, so I started to chat with her, flipping over the sign on the door at the same time since I saw that this would make her feel at ease immediately.

She introduced herself as Luna Mancuso and told me that she had overheard someone talking about me, saying that I was in fact familiar with what would be considered 'real' magic and since she had a serious problem concerning this matter, she had decided to seek me out. One of her ancestors must have annoyed a Sicilian witch a few hundred years ago, thus resulting in her putting a curse on the family that got passed on through the youngest female descendent, this right now being Luna. The curse brings good luck to the bearer, like saving them from accidents, and bad luck to everyone getting close to her – while 'bad luck' could mean everything from stumbling and falling to suffering a heart attack or getting hit by a car. Because of this, Luna had left her family and didn't have friends. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to help her, either, since I've never seen something like this before. Nevertheless, I invited her to my flat and talked to her until late that night, feeling the urge to make her feel at least a little more comfortable and trying to get as much information as possible so I could do some research on her curse. We got along quite well and she agreed to visit me again.

There was one thing I learned while living with Helikaon: Don't get involved. Stay away from people you're not willing to leave without a second thought. Living that way made him a class of his own when it came to divination, though I never considered this desirable. I didn't have many friends myself, but there were Arachne and an air elemental called Starbreeze, for instance. Also, I had not given up hope yet to find that special someone to spent my life with, although this sounded unlikely even to me. Considering both my past and my current situation – hiding in my magic shop from Dark mages and the Light Council as well – didn't make me the ideal boyfriend every girl was looking for. Still, someone to stay over at my flat and to talk to would have been nice; maybe I had spent too much time being on my own.

Luna and I soon became friends and spent most of our free time together. In the beginning, she had been very keen to keep me at bay, but as the months went by, she grew a lot more relaxed, sprawling on the sofa while I sat back in my favourite chair beside her, spending the evening in my flat, talking and watching the sun set over Camden. She never stayed overnight, though; I had offered to sleep in the living room so she could use my bed, but she always insisted to cycle back home, no matter what time it was or considering the fact that she lived on the other side of London. Of course I always made sure she would arrive at her flat safely, but I would have preferred her to accept my offer. Maybe this had something to do with the fact that I never found out why she always wanted to leave for the night; had she been afraid that my intentions weren't honest? Although it felt like spying, I used my skills once again to find out what she'd say if I asked her right away – and failed. No matter how I phrased my question, she never answered, so I finally gave up and accepted her request to sleep in her own bed.

Luna also started working for me – well, kind of. She was able to sense magic when she came across it and so she kept looking for items that might be of interest for me. It all went quite well, until one day Luna stumbled across a red crystal cube which turned out to be the key to a relic holding an artefact both the Council and a certain number of Dark mages wanted to get hold of very badly. After I found out that Luna was the only one who could use this key, I realised that I was already caught up with the problems of magical society once again. The one thing I didn't want was for Luna to get involved, too, but this was exactly what happened. After her first encounter with a Dark fire mage named Cinder, who tried to take the crystal cube away from us, she started to ask questions about Dark mages in general and Cinder in particular, suddenly becoming uneasy because it had dawned on her how dangerous and violent life as a mage could be. She seemed to understand why I wanted her to stay away from all this, but at the same time she refused to do so, given the fact that she _was _already involved.

And then there was this one person I never thought I'd see again. When we met, she went by the name of Deleo and was wearing a domino mask to cover her face – it did in fact take me some time to find out that this was no-one else but Rachel. By the time I recognised her, we were both staying at the house of a Dark mage named Morden - involuntarily, mind you. Morden had me, Rachel, Cinder, who appeared to be her partner of some sort, and a death mage named Khazad brought to his mansion, intending to persuade us to get the artefact, a so-called fateweaver for him. In this case, _persuading _meant threatening the four of us, making Rachel and me watch while he tortured one of his slaves for no real reason at all, calling it a punishment for disloyalty and thus showing us what we were about to experience if we'd refuse to work for him, indicating that he had done the same thing to Cinder and Khazad already. All the time, Rachel didn't show any sign of emotion, although I tried to talk to her casually, asking her if what Morden just did made her think of our apprenticeship and finding out that it was now _her_ who wanted to kill _me_ since I reminded her of her past. It was a strange feeling, hearing those words from her, since I had felt the same way nine years ago but had learned to lock these emotions deep within my mind. In fact, I pitied her, considering how cold and cruel she had become. Would I have ended up being like that if I had stayed with Richard, always doing what he told me, no matter how loathsome his intentions might have been? Rachel had done so. And now she was hiding behind her new name and her mask, wanting me to vanish from the face of the earth because I was a memory she wished to erase. Interesting. The decision I made might have earned me some traumatic experiences, but eventually, the outcome seemed to be in my favour. Provided that I lived long enough to savour this fact.

Morden had sent our little group to the British Museum to retrieve the fateweaver from the relic inside, knowing that we'd be greeted by council security as soon as we entered the upper floor. To Onyx, a force mage and Morden's Chosen who had accompanied us, this didn't pose a problem since he started attacking anyone who got into the line of fire as soon as his feet touched the ground. Everything collapsed into chaos and the only thing I could do was what I did best: run away.

I ended up inside the labyrinth-like interior of the relic presumably containing the fateweaver with Luna and a council mage going by the name of Sonder. They had been awaiting me since the council had been informed that an attack was imminent. I didn't know what to expect and was hoping that at least the group of Dark mages consisting of Deleo, Cinder, Khazad and Onyx hadn't managed to get their way into the relic along with us. Later that night, I found out that I had been holding up to much hope. I came across Cinder and Deleo who had managed to get themselves into a trap and I decided to help them out; in return, they owed me a favour now. I also met Khazad on my way, but unlike my former fellow apprentice and her boyfriend, he wasn't willing to negotiate at all. For a few minutes he pretended to do so, accepting my help when I offered to manipulate the death bracelet on his arm. Onyx had made the four of us put them on before we left Morden's mansion, but since this wasn't the first time I had been forced to wear one of those nasty things, I knew how to disable them within five minutes so they wouldn't respond to the signal anymore that would otherwise have made the victim's heart stop within half a minute at the most. When I finished working on Khazad's bracelet, having his word he'd let me go afterwards, I saw him grinning and moving his hands, ready to cast the spell that would have killed me just in time. I moved my hand in a slight gesture that activated the bracelet, making him hit the ground screaming, negative energy rushing through his body. Standing still, I watched him, explaining that studying these things taught me how to change the signal so it responded to my command instead of Onyx's. He tried to speak up to me, but couldn't do so anymore. 

'You could never believe it, could you? That someone like me could ever be a threat to someone like you. Tobruk was the same, you know? Right to the end.'

My words were the last thing he heard before his heart stopped.

Shortly after, I was reunited with Luna, Sonder and Starbreeze, who had responded to my desperate call some time ago. But there was another person – Griff Blackstone, a council mage like Sonder. It turned out that he had been betraying us all the time, pretending to help us find a way into the relic while he wanted to get hold of the fateweaver and get rid of us afterwards. I followed him when he kidnapped Luna, took her to the centre of the relic and tried to force her to use the cube to unlock the security mechanism protecting the fateweaver by breaking her arm, slamming Sonder against the wall on the way, rendering him unconscious. In the great hall where the artefact was located, we met Onyx, Deleo and Cinder once again. Another fight took place, resulting in Griff being killed by the Dark mages. In the meantime, Luna and I took the chance to get hold of the fateweaver.

It turned out that it was in fact more than just a magic object like any other, but connected to it's original owner, a battle mage named Abithriax. When I used it to fight Onyx, I had to grant him access to my mind, bonding myself to him that way. It was a strange feeling. Although it seemed to be nothing more than a plain ivory wand, I could feel the power radiating from it flow through my body. Without thinking twice, I turned to face Onyx, challenging him, dodging his attacks with an ease I've never felt before and finally standing right in front of him, dauntless and convinced that I would defeat him without even breaking a sweat. He tried to hit me with his magic, but I diverted the force he used to send him to the floor, leaving him bleeding, looking at me as if in shock. I knew he was scared – and I knew it was because of me, because of what I had become. I couldn't help but smile.

Just a few hours earlier, he had been the one who treated me like shit, threatening me and triggering my death bracelet just for the fun of watching me break down in agony – now it was my turn to inflict pain onto him and I couldn't deny that it made me feel good. This was what I wanted when I agreed to become Richard's apprentice – the power to prevail over all the people who had hurt me before. Killing Tobruk had been a good place to start, although back then I had nothing but my divination and a rusty pipe wrench. What I owned now was something much more powerful and I already knew what to do with it next. Realising that he wouldn't stand a chance against me now, Onyx opened a gate and vanished. I have to admit that I was disappointed and, to be honest, quite indignant; in the past, I had been the one to run away as fast as I could to avoid any kind of fight since I knew it would end badly, but this time, I really wanted to check out my combat skills – and this coward dared to flee! Well, I was sure that there would be a reunion one day...I considered paying a visit to Morden when I was finished with my task. But right then, there was something else to do, something I had been looking forward to.

Still smiling, I went over to where I had spotted Rachel before. She had been involved in a fight with both Onyx and Griff and was now resting against a pillar, eyeing me suspiciously. Her hair was bloodstained and she seemed to be limping; I couldn't resist provoking her, holding up the fateweaver.

'Hey Rachel - want to try and take it?'

She didn't correct me when I used her former name to address her.

'You're wondering if you can succeed where Onyx failed,' I continued, 'Do you think you can?'

I had to ask her one more time before she shook her head.

'Why not? You like to kill by touch, don't you? You're close enough. Show me what you've learned.'

Again, she shook her had, not daring to take her eyes off me.

'You'd win.'

'Yes. You were always good at knowing when you were outmatched, weren't you? Now – Why should I let you live?'

I didn't need to make an effort to make my voice sound cold and cruel – I meant it.

'We had a deal,' she whispered.

'Do you think I was that stupid?'

I saw fear flickering in her eyes, but there was something else – something I found I really liked. Respect. I looked down at the smaller woman, caressing her face slightly with my right index finger, the fateweaver still in my hand so it touched her hair, catching a little drop of her blood that formed some strange kind of flower on the smooth surface.

'You might be some use. But payment is only put off. I'll be calling on you. Understand?'

She nodded.

'I understand.'

I glanced at her and dismissed her with a contemptuous wave of my hand, watching her while she gated, taking Cinder with her. Now it was only Luna, Starbreeze and me. All I wanted to do was leave that place, getting angry when the girls raised objections. Helping Sonder? Why? He'd be dead by now, no need to check on him anymore. I didn't understand why they kept trying to reason me into going back, all I wanted was to leave. But then, there seemed to be another voice in my head, telling me that Luna and Starbreeze were right. It was like listening to an argument no-one else could hear. Should I leave? Should I stay? Why should I be taking care of Sonder? He was old enough to look after himself, anyway. But again...

It took me much to long to understand what had happened. When I had granted Abithriax access to mind, he had begun to take over control. Now this was him, trying to get out of the relic at last. When I realised my mistake, it was to late. He stood right in front of my, telling me that he'd be controlling me from now on, coming alive again doing so – sort of. I couldn't move, but I saw Luna and Starbreeze trying to rip the fateweaver out of my hands. Abithriax just smiled.

'There's no need to be afraid, Verus. I looked into your memories, and isn't this what you always wanted? To be powerful enough that you needn't be afraid any more? Soon you'll be the most powerful mage in the world. Well, it won't exactly be _you_. But you'll still be in there, watching everything that happens. At least, I think so.'

Hearing this, a stared at Luna, starting to panic. What would happen to her once I was gone, my mind taken over by Abithriax? I didn't know what to do, I didn't want this to go on any longer, but, being paralysed, there was nothing I could do. Until Luna saved my life. Modifying her curse in a strange way I never completely understood, she touched my shoulder and kissed me, thus forcing Abithriax to back away, granting me the chance to fight and defeat him – if only for the time being. We left as soon as we could, finding Sonder, safe and sound, looking for us. Having survived all this, I resolved to never surrender to the promise of indefinite power ever again. Succumbing to this had lead me to kill Khazad and hurt Onyx on purpose. This wasn't how I wanted my friends to see me, someone who did things like that just because it was the easy way out. I had to work on that. But with a friend like Luna, everything seemed possible. For now.


End file.
